Not much of a party girl

Hey bf

So it seems like tomorrow I’m going to a real party. Like in a real club w real people drinking real booze and a dance floor and all. Like the real deal. I don’t drink but my friends who are going with me do. They’re actually my cousins and as much as I love them, I’m terrified of going tomorrow. First because I’m not as close to them as they are to each other, plus is T’s birthday, aka she might bring some friends along. Friends I don’t know.. So my phobia of social events it’s definitly kicking in.

I’m not afraid of clubs, I’ve been to one once and I kinda of loved it. The thing is I’m afraid they’ll abandon me. Like they all start talking and having fun together and I’m in the background or more literally alone. Like losing myself from them, or they meet some guys and I’m alone. I have a whole bunch of ‘what if’s going on in my head rn which only gets me closer and closer of my breaking point in the anxiety point of view. Or pretty much any point of view for that matter.

So wish me luck, and may the odds be ever in my favor!

XOXO

-MP

Thank You Letter

I started writing this blog because I wanted to be famous. The last thing that I need right now is for this to be a huge thing. Stuff I’ve written here can not leave this place. This is the one spot where I’m completly and absolutly confortable to say everything I think and feel. The stuff I write about may seem a little stupid or shallow but it feels SO good to be able to just say whatever the fuck I want u know

And most post are about some sad stuff because writing about my crap here is easier and comforting, especially when this is the only place I can actually put it all out. And God there is stuff to be told; there are some dark moments of beeing a teenager. So actually this is supose to be a thank you letter.

Thank you for reading my crap who ever you are. You matter to me more than most people I actually know. You know most of my deepest secrets and my not so good feelings about people and the world. And the fact that you take something like 5 min of your time to spend in my blog, it’s already a lot more than most people do for me. So thank you for being my best friend when I really really need one. Thank you!

xoxo

-MP

I’m a loner

It’s crazy how life can change so much in such a small period of time. About three weeks ago I started writting a post about how great my life felt in that moment: I had great weeks at the beach, when I returned I had great days with some friends and it was Haute Couture week. I saved it as a draft cuz I had no time to finish it that day. I never really got back to it, and SO MUCH has changed.

That day I was feelin super happy, the only thing possibly bothering me was the fanny pack comeback. God, those were golden days. In my school, classes only returned two weeks ago and as I already said here, I’m used to having some okay amount of friends, some great people who I hang out with. The thing is, I don’t feel like that anymore. Saying I don’t have ANY friends would be wrong cuz J is always there for me, we can laugh for hours together and we’re always doing stuff together, but the thing is, even though she is practically my only friend, she has A LOT of friends, so she cant be with me all the time. And that sucks. And as topping to that ice cream of suckiness she’s from another school. Aka in school hours I’m stuck with these girls I’ve known forever who don’t care about me at all.

We don’t hang out anymore, I’m always the one that’s not invited, the one that stays home every friday and saturday night. That never really bothered me when it wasn’t so frequent. I mean I usually went out with them at least once a month. And now I’m a loner. I lost practically every social skill I might have had. I just feel so god damn alone u know? In class I have no one to talk to, between classes I talk to some of them, I pretend everything is normal, I pretend like the fact that they don’t even considere calling me outside school does not kill me, I pretend like everything is fine, that I’m fine when I so am not. I pretend a lot.

And keep asking myself what am I doing wrong that my friends don’t wanna hang out w me, that my friends don’t seem to actually like me, that I barely have any friends? What? What is so wrong w me? And why am I so alone right now? God this truly sucks.

-MP